You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
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Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
my astrological sign is a french fry
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps