My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
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As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES