Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
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It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.