If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 馃檪
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[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
mood
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren鈥檛 you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I鈥檓 making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that鈥檚 not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you鈥檙e now dead to me.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that鈥檚 a Fruit Loop
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Son: how will I know when I鈥檓 a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
dating coach: don鈥檛 immediately compliment a girl鈥榮 looks that鈥檚 creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i鈥檓 carol
me: u look like shit