One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
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[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Very good news from my accountant
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are