*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
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Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
nothing like a slow cooked sausage