I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
You Might Also Like
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
In Canada they just call them geese
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful