Very good! 👍😂
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*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
What number SPF blocks people?
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Weirdly Wednesday.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating