i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
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Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Did my cat write this
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison