Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
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You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
deleting my mental health to focus on social media
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Golf would be better with landmines.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying