Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
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Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
guys im starting to worry that 2025 is just five 2020s stacked in a trench coat
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently