Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
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[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo