When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
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10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]