The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
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Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Social Media and Real life
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”