When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
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Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding