When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…๐๐ฎ๐
You Might Also Like
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud โAWOOGAโ when you see her naked
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didnโt move it when I politely asked her to so Iโve sat on it…
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently Iโm 8 years old.๐คฆ๐ปโโ๏ธ๐
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Natty or not?
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.