Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
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When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.