Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…
3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisibleWhy you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…
3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done
You Might Also Like
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
it takes so much energy
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Feel. He’s so soft.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun