WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
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Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ