[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
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I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I have never related to a cat more
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5