wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
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We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Trumpy Cat
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess