I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
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The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
taking June’s advice to heart
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.