You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
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For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
when the buffet is more honest than your date
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.