“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
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My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
that de-escalated quickly
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you