🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
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Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.