🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
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Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.