[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
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Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do