Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
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I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I’m tired tomorrow.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.