🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
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You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red