If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
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When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”