🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
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Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Word!
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”