“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Bike for sale
#merica
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
nobody’s gonna understand
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun