馃幎Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine馃幎
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I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you鈥檇 never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bubl茅 bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBL脡: Are you getting in or what?
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
[Psychiatrist鈥檚 Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we鈥檙e texting
Him: I heard it
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that鈥檚 about it
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can鈥檛 even get a text back.