What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
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WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
dads on road-trips be like
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys