🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
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A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.