馃幎馃幎馃幍馃幍
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they鈥檙e only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
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[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 馃挬
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me