My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
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[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’