🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
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i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them