I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
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My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.