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using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Duck typos.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)