Well, shit
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“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Blew my mind.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.