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“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
2022 be like
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey