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if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
āSorry,ā she said. āWe only accept cash.ā
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
ā ā ā ā ā
Comb doesnāt work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
itās not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: whatās upstairs
Me: stairs donāt talk
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I donāt play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a āfresh startā and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, heād never hear the end of it.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! š
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
itās all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet itās your liver & kidneys
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and iām feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying āMost of us need more D than weāre getting and itās almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sourcesā and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE