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I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance