馃槀馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ
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2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
When鈥檚 dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn鈥檛 be feeding them this crap
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
JUDGE: Where鈥檚 your lawyer?
ME: I don鈥檛 have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I鈥檓 intrigued
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they鈥檙e so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
I鈥檓 not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I SAID YES!!! 馃槏馃槏馃槏馃槏馃槏馃拲馃拲馃拲馃拲 鉂わ笍鉂わ笍鉂わ笍鉂わ笍 someone asked if I was alone for valentine鈥檚 day!!!
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.