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Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew