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I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Every haunted house movie:
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father