Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
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Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs