*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
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My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Who says great literature is dead?
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
584.
Oh hi lol
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?