My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
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her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”